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I guess I need a place to put stuff that I don’t feel I can put anywhere else. I’d like to post this on Instagram, but my friends and family don’t need to be subjected to the woes of my past.


This was Halloween 2014 slash also my 21st birthday party. It’s dumb but I don’t think I’ve ever felt as hot as I did that night. Like strangers at the party calling me beautiful kind of night.


I had also just been diagnosed with an ulcer. I was a few weeks into being the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. The beginning of my eating disorter. Of being so scared of food that I barely touched a morsel for a whole year.


This was the beginning of my junior year. Of course two years of college had already done some things to me, but this was the start of where I was really about to lose control.


But I was beautiful, thin, and had gorgeous long hair. Felt like I had it all. Looking at pictures like this makes me grieve for the past because of how I looked. Being alive was more or less hell, but I’ve never been as beautiful as I was that year.


Four years later and I still have trouble reconciling the fact that while I am so so so so much better in every aspect of my life, I still fall short compared to who I used to be because I got healthy and gained weight. I hate that I think that way. I wish I could just be happy that I beat my depression and eating issues and pretty much won everything I could. But because I’m not skinny anymore, it’s feels like none of that is worth it.


I hope I find a way to fix that soon.

The first time I told you I loved you

my eyes were closed.

When I said it again

my back was pressed to your chest.

I couldn’t face you.

I said it in an effort to move forward.

But you and the past

remained behind me.

Our history and our friendship

might have ended there.

Sealed with the softest kiss

behind my ear.

The last time I saw you

I left you hanging.

Refused to stand up

to say goodbye.

I don’t know where

we stand now.

Source

n1ghtcrwler:

snommelp:

So, I’ve been pulled over a few times in my life. Not many, but a few. And I’ve also been in a couple of cars that got pulled over. And let me tell you, if you were actually doing something wrong, the officer doesn’t make any small talk, just straight into “I clocked you doing 70 in a 55.” The only time I’ve ever gotten the “do you know why I pulled you over?” was the time when I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and I got let go even though he insisted to the end that I was doing 87 in a 70 (white privilege at work).

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” is a trap. It means there’s a good chance the officer doesn’t actually have a good reason to ticket you, and is trying to get you to waive your 5th Amendment rights and incriminate yourself. If you make a guess, that’s a confession of guilt.

But there’s another trap, that I’ve heard of but haven’t yet experienced. It’s “do you know how fast you were going?” With that one, they’re hoping you’ll say no, because then they can name whatever speed they want – you just said you didn’t know how fast you were going, if you deny the speed they name then you’re lying to them.

Oh, I’ve had that one. Go with “yes.” Don’t give them a number, just say “Yes.” Then they still have to offer a number and you can deny it without contradicting yourself. They could just ask you, at that point, but that’s suspiciously similar to saying they don’t know, and they tend to avoid doing that.

(via thatsmoderatelyraven)

Post-grad experience: connecting on LinkedIn with people I have not really spoken to since high school, and people I did not really even speak to at all in high school

I guess this is where we are going now

I feel compelled to cut up the Polaroid I took of you (on your 25th birthday) and mail it to you.

I want to say it weighs too much for me to hold on to.

But I can’t stand the thought of not having that original square tucked in my photo album forever.

I want to act out and I want you to notice me.

Miss me.

Get serious.